Episode 3 – Obstacles and Our Conflict Styles
Our Opposite Conflict Styles Almost Broke Us
We thought we knew how to fight. We just yelled differently.
It took us years to understand that our conflict styles were not personality flaws. They were survival strategies we learned long before we ever met.
This story is part of the Built on Us Story Series, where my husband David and I share the real moments that almost broke us and the tools that helped us rebuild. We are a blended family, a second marriage, and we now host a couples retreat in Costa Rica shaped by everything you are about to read.
How I Fought, How He Fought
When David and I first started dating, we thought we had conflict figured out.
If something was wrong, I needed to talk it through. Sentence by sentence. Question by question. To me, silence felt dangerous. I needed reassurance, clarity, and proof that we were still connected.
If I did not talk, my nervous system would spin.
David approached conflict in a completely different way.
For him, the way you show love in an argument is by shutting up and letting the other person get it all out. He could sit through the storm, arms crossed, letting me pour everything out, because in his mind, love was patience.
He believed that if he stayed quiet and absorbed it, things would calm down.
Now imagine both of those styles in the same scene.
The Same Scene, Two Different Realities
Picture this.
I am pushing for answers, asking clarifying questions in real time. I raise my voice, not to attack, but to pull a response, any response.
"Are you listening to me?"
I am trying to stay connected. To me, interrupting to clarify means I am engaged.
To him, it felt like disrespect. Every time I jumped in, he felt cut off.
From his side, he was listening intently. He genuinely believed that if he sat there and said absolutely nothing, I would eventually tire out, like a little kid who finally collapses after running around at the park.
He thought he was giving me space to be heard.
From my side, the quiet was not space. It was a wall.
My dialogue felt like disrespect to him. His silence felt like abandonment to me.
We were both trying to love, and both of us felt rejected.
The Hidden Problem With Mismatched Conflict Styles
The funny thing about relationships is this. What feels like love in one person's language can feel like rejection in another's.
My need to solve things in real time came from a younger version of me who learned that unresolved conflict meant danger. His need to stay silent came from a younger version of him who learned that emotion was risky and that patience kept the peace.
Neither of us was trying to hurt the other. But the mismatch turned small disagreements into never ending cycles.
We did not understand that we were not fighting about the dishes or the timing or the tone. We were fighting for nervous system safety.
Through David's Conflict Lens
From David's perspective, staying calm and quiet was the loving thing to do. Talking less was a way to avoid pouring gasoline on the fire.
He saw my intensity and interruptions as disrespect. He felt like he could not finish a thought without being cut off. So he shut down even more.
Through My Conflict Lens
From my perspective, I was not trying to talk over him. I believed in solving things as we went. That was how I felt safe, by keeping the conversation alive until we reached resolution.
Silence felt like punishment. If he went quiet, my brain filled in the gaps with every worst case scenario.
The Shift: Creating a Shared Conflict Framework
Here is what we have learned since.
There is no single right way to fight.
What matters is whether both people feel safe enough to tell the truth and come back together.
These days, we meet in the middle. We use a simple framework that has changed a lot for us.
The 24 Hour Repair Rule We Use Now
We do not try to resolve the entire conflict in the heat of the moment.
Within twenty four hours, we agree on a time to come back to the conversation.
When we come back, I ask more questions and talk less. He reflects back what he heard before responding.
We each leave the conversation with one clear action or understanding, not a full personality makeover.
We do not get it perfect. Sometimes we still fall into old patterns. The difference now is that we notice it faster, and we have a plan that helps us find our way back.
Reflective Takeaway: Your Partner's Conflict Style Is Not an Attack
If you recognize your own cycle in this, here is what I want you to know.
Your partner's conflict style is not an attack on you. It is a strategy that kept them safe before they ever met you.
David needed the storm to pass. I needed to talk while the thunder rolled.
Neither was wrong. But without awareness, both of us ended up feeling unseen.
Questions for Your Own Partnership
Use these as journaling prompts or a conversation guide.
In a conflict, what makes you feel loved and safe? Silence, space, words, touch, logic, time?
What did conflict look like in your childhood home? Loud, quiet, avoided, explosive?
How might that upbringing still be shaping how you fight today?
What is one small agreement you could make together about how you will handle your next disagreement?
Built On Us: The Partnership Pact Retreat
At Built On Us: The Partnership Pact Retreat in Costa Rica, we spend time right here, in the real mess of how you fight and how you repair.
You will not sit in a room just taking notes. You will learn and practice ways to stay connected even when your conflict styles are different, so you can argue without breaking the bond.
For seven days we combine honest conversations, guided rituals, and nervous system aware practices so you leave with tools you can actually use the next time a storm rolls in.
Build a business that works for you, not because of you.
Lead in a way your nervous system can live with.